Cunning linguist enters banged-up Volvo

EUGENE, OR—Saying that he felt too cold to be out in the snow, a cunning linguist gained entrance into a woman’s Volvo.

“I was just so tired from drawing Venn Diaphragms of eggcorns all day that I decided I had to take a break in someone’s old banger, so I saw her and thought, sure, a 40-year-old Volvo would do,” said Professor Richard Anderson.

Fanny Johnson, 40, initially denied the linguist entrance into her vehicle. “I didn’t even know him. Why would I let him in? Then he said something about an important linguistics study he had to do for the university, and I consented.”

The professor explains, “I was interviewing the woman as part of a study on the artificial dissemination of bad puns, and I’ve reached the conclusion that sometimes making good puns is just way too hard and people just don’t get it. I went at it hammer and tongs though, so I guess that’s enough.”

Eggcorns did not pass mustard for all intensive purposes

SANDY EGGO—On Thursday, a plate of delicious eggcorns on my violet silverware failed to pass mustard with Chef Ramsay, who called my dish a “jar-dropping failure for all intensive purposes.”

“The steaks are high now,” I thought. I was a hare’s breath away from culinary success, but Ramsay, whose ire was not curved, threw a hammer and thongs at me.

I had to start over from scrap, and ended up having to remake the entire dish with skimp milk and a damp squid.