ALBUQUERQUE—A cactus at Home Depot is fed up with his living condition, and is reaching out to the plant kingdom in the hopes of finding a better home and a succulent lover.
Billy, an Opuntia microdasys, has been sitting alone in a claustrophobic pot at Home Depot for the past four years. Though he is by nature patient and soft-spoken, Billy has recently been more vocal. He told reporters, “A bit of water every eight months and no one wants to touch me because I’m so prickly. Go ahead and kill me, will ya?”
The cactus has repeatedly stressed in no uncertain terms that he is in dire need of a better home and a succulent partner; however, the dating scene at Home Depot is far from ideal. “C’mon, dude. Really? You put me under this soul-sucking fluorescent light and expect me to be sexually attractive?” he complained. “No, really. I’m not interested in college kids looking to spruce up their dorm rooms or fat, balding men looking for printer paper.”
Witnesses at Home Depot agreed. Tony, a garden-variety Mammilaria, decried the cactus rights abuses perpetrated by the staff at Home Depot, claiming that the lack of natural sunlight and incessant air conditioning have caused him and his peers to become etiolated and unattractive.
One cactus lamented, “Here at Home Depot, we are either late bloomers or non-bloomers. Unfortunately, most of us are non-bloomers.”
BOSTON—A new paper published in the New England Journal of Medicine concluded that insomniacs are more attractive and intelligent than their well-slept counterparts.
Sleep researchers said that those who are chronically sleep-deprived tend to be more sexually appealing and better-groomed. “Insomniacs tend to leave their makeup on while sleeping,” said Richard Fawkins, professor of neuroscience at Boston College. “They tend to keep their eyes open and pay careful attention to how they present themselves, even when they’re alone at 3:00 in the morning.
In addition to being more attractive, insomniacs are also better-read, having vocabularies upwards of one million words. “We have seen time and again that those who don’t sleep tend to stay up and read or write. One man read Moby Dick from cover to cover in one night. Another man stayed up writing blog posts about insomnia.”
Researchers stated that these results shed new light on our understanding of victims of psychological torture. “You know how they make prisoners in Guantanamo stay awake for days on end?” said Fawkins. “Well, it’s no surprise that those sleep-deprived prisoners also tend to be criminal masterminds that just ooze out charisma and sex and thereby get a large following of political or religious zealots.”
DALLAS—AT&T CEO Randall L. Stephenson announced on Tuesday that the company will expand coverage to remote areas inhabited by murderers.
“Bad wireless coverage has been responsible for millions of avoidable deaths,” said Stephenson. “Now, you no longer have to worry about not being able to place a call when you most need to.”
The wireless carrier has faced a series of PR debacles in recent years involving customers who died because their cellular signal were too low for them to place calls while being chased by murderers. In 2015 in White Pine Bay, Oregon, three AT&T users could not place emergency calls due to poor cellphone reception, and were subsequently stabbed repeatedly in their motel before being wrapped in shower curtains and dumped into a nearby lake. Last year, in Kingsland, Texas, five teenagers whose phone signals were too poor were disconnected from 911 minutes before they were disemboweled by a masked assailant.
After AT&T resolved to tackle these problems, other major carriers have begun to follow suit. Verizon, for example, announced that it will provide users signal in areas prone to demonic possessions, and T-Mobile is rumored to be developing a network coverage that protects callers from homicidal clowns.
MIAOLI, TAIWAN—One of the two eggplants that unexpectedly took on a humanoid shape last Friday is slowly regaining its normal hue.
In what scientists think is the most curious scientific anomaly of the millennium, two eggplants, named “Vanessa” and “Angel” by residents in Miaoli, became abnormally engorged and deformed, taking on the shape of the human species. While scientists regarded the incident with suspicion and warned people not to consume the eggplants, Miaoli residents welcomed the transformation, calling it a “miraculous godsend.”
Since Friday, the eggplant “Vanessa” has been regaining its original color. Botanist Li Chie-Chih (李茄子) from the National Chengchi University in Taipei said, “Although ‘Vanessa’ has not gone back entirely to aubergine, she has taken on lighter shades of purple and indigo, mottled by white spots that may or may not be mold.”
An unexpected development: “Vanessa” has formed a hole that vaguely resembles the human mouth. Although the “mouth” has begun to move, nothing resembling human language besides a couple of phonemes have come out of the orifice.
Scientists are beginning to suspect that the eggplant-humanoid transmogrification that transpired on Friday may have been the result of a genetic mutation that causes what experts call Aubergine Satanic Syndrome (ASS). Multiple universities across the nation are vying for research grants to shed light on this potential scientific breakthrough.
MELBOURNE—A koala suffering from heat stroke fell off a eucalyptus tree and climbed into a zoological laboratory in which he later discovered and ingested Lysergic acid diethylamide, or LSD.
Upon ingesting LSD, the koala, named Albert, exited the laboratory and climbed back onto the tree. He stared at a piece of bark for 72 hours and found himself in a soul-healing psychedelic journey that soon allowed him to discover the meaning of life.
Koalas are said to be incorrigible drug addicts that munch on eucalyptus leaves, whose touted narcotic properties compel them to sleep for up to 20 hours per day. Contrary to popular belief, however, eucalyptus leaves do not contain psychoactive substances, and researchers at the University of Melbourne have concluded years ago that koalas sleep excessively due to chronic boredom and major depression.
Psychologists have long suspected that Albert suffers from clinical depression, and have put him on suicide watch for more than three years. The sullen koala reportedly said on at least one occasion that “I am tired of being such a useless and clingy beta male so maybe I should end it all, mate.”
Albert no longer suffers from depression, and has been exceptionally cheery all morning. Fellow zoo animals allege that he is a “different and better man” and said that the heatstroke was a “blessing in disguise.” This morning, he greeted us with boundless ebullience, saying “G’day, mate.”
MIAOLI, TAIWAN—Two seemingly normal eggplants have become so bloated and deformed that they resemble human beings. While scientists call the transformation an “alarming scientific anomaly,” locals call it a “miraculous godsend,” and have given the eggplants honorary titles.
Miaoli elementary student Chen Sui-Ni (陳隨你), 12, first came up with the idea of naming them when he was reading Jonathan Swift. “My God, the things they teach you in elementary school!” he exclaimed as he touched the eggplants. “Did you know that the name ‘Vanessa’ was, contrary to popular belief, invented by Swift? It’s a portmanteau of the first and last names of Esther Vanhomrigh, a dear friend and lover of Swift.” The eggplants stared blankly at Chen, who added, “Do you even know what a portmanteau is? Do you even know who Swift is? He’s amazing!”
In honor of Swift, Chen publically christened one of the eggplants “Vanessa.” Locals enamored of the other allegedly sacred eggplant named it, quite aptly, “Angel.” Likewise, poets have sung their praises, writing such Shakespearean lines as: “Is it for fear to wet a widower’s eye, that thou consum’st thyself in eggplant life?” and “The world’s a farm, and all but two are mortal tubers.”
Scientists are still perplexed by the eggplants’ transmogrification, but they have warned locals to “watch what they eat.” “We are not sure what to make of this phenomenon yet,” said researchers at the National Taiwan University. “But don’t eat the eggplants without consulting your doctor. We don’t know if they’re edible or toxic.”
TAICHUNG, TAIWAN—On Sunday, two male soccer coaches at the Morrison Academy gave birth to a stellar soccer team consisting of 19 male teenagers. No sooner had coaches Abraham Sbardolini, 36, and Sera Sera, 48—both of whom were frustrated by what they perceived to be an incompetent soccer team—prayed zealously for a better soccer team than the latter experienced excruciating pain in his lower abdomen.
Sbardolini said that he “felt it kick a few times” before he underwent labor, during which a Morrison student promptly rushed to a school nurse to fetch a stretcher. According to Sera, The student single-handedly dragged the coach-laden, 200-pound stretcher across five miles of asphalt before giving up and abandoning both the stretcher and the coach before the hospital.
Sera, however, was not so lucky. “I didn’t know my water had broken until I felt it running down my legs,” said Sera. “It was so intense.”
Upon seeing Sera, students and faculty hijacked a Honda Civic, pushing Sera into the backseat before driving him to the China Medical University Hospital. Obstetricians performed a Caesarian section as Sera screamed, “Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!”
Ultimately, the nineteen sons were delivered without incident. They were promptly baptized and indoctrinated into Evangelical Protestantism. They are all named Isaac.