WASHINGTON—An uptight Trump is begging politicians for political lubrication as the special prosecutor continues to probe him.
“It’s a little too rough for me now,” tweeted the President. “There are some bad, bad men who take pleasure in my pain when I need bipartisan lubrication.”
White House sources report that the President is becoming increasingly agitated, paranoid, and irrational, and that a rectal obstruction from which he is allegedly suffering is now under threat of being penetrated by Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller and other hardheaded Democrats.
In his effort to appease the agitated president, Kremlin Press Secretary Dmitry Peskov told Trump, “There is nothing to worry about, my friend. In Soviet Russia, you don’t urinate on whores. Government urinate and shit on you. Oh, shit. Wait … that’s not the way the joke works, is it?”
“The President attempted to obstruct the probe by firing [FBI Director] James Comey,” said Trump’s lawyer Jaw Sekulow. “I’m just a new guy on his legal team. I don’t know him well. Fuck it. I guess I’ll quit while I’m ahead.”
WASHINGTON—After President Donald Trump fired FBI Director James Comey, the Putin spokesperson claimed that Russia did not meddle with the 2016 presidential erection.
“That’s Trump’s problem,” said Dmitry Prekov, Kremlin Press Secretary. “We have nothing to do with it. We’re sure you guys can maintain your own presidential erections. This is a U.S. internal affair, so we’re sure it’s all in your head.”
The comment came after Comey, who was heading a probe that examined alleged collusion between Trump’s 2016 campaign and the Kremlin, was dismissed Tuesday by the president. “The fucker really shafted me there,” said Comey. “Him and those damn Russians.”
While reasonable Americans believe that Comey’s dismissal has something to do with the investigation into Trump’s potential collusion with Russia, not every American is reasonable.
“The American people can trust us to hold dependable erections that are fair and accessible to the public,” said former congressman Anthony Weiner.
Beagle reporters were arrested when they attempted to question the President while he was golfing at the Mar-a-Lago estate. “You’re breaking my concentration!” he cried. “Every stroke counts!”
The President reportedly set his official business aside after playing golf, and returned to his room to watch the TV show, “Keeping it up with the Kardashians.”
“He made America great again!” said Billie Nelson, as he paused between tokes on his fashionable, hand rolled marijuana cigarette, complete with “hipster tip” as filter.
“I’ve been smoking marijuana for years. But I’ve never witnessed such a jump in the increase of quality until Mr. Trump took office. Sure, I got my hands on some dank nuggets under Obama’s term, but lately, the amount and variety of quality pot has never been better.”
Mr. Nelson is just one of many Ohio residents who, basking in an abundance of fine marijuana, have never been more content with the state of the Union. In fact, on nearly every street corner in Ohio, rural and urban, people may be seen celebrating with a spliff, blunt, joint, or smoking apparatus of some sort.
While for many it seems perfectly clear that President Trump is responsible for this change, others are still skeptical. Ms. Jane, a Columbus native, had this to say about the whole hubbub surrounding Trump and his efforts to “increase the green.”
“Sure. No one can deny that the grass has never been better, greener, etc., but you shouldn’t forget that we are still reaping the long-term results of Obama’s hard work done in support of stoners. Every time Republicans take power, they always try to claim responsibility for the benefits that come from reforms that were actually carried out by the Democrats. Now they say Trump fixed the economy and he’s getting us extra stoned. I don’t buy it!” ejaculated Ms. Jane.
There are even some conspiracy theorists that claim Trump is not “pro-weed.” It seems that only time will tell which president will stand in history as the most plant friendly. But for the moment, Americans may rest proudly in their hammocks, on their lawn chairs and couches, knowing that their own country is number one in terms of quality and quantity of ganja production and enjoyment.
Two weeks after Trump issued Executive Order 19840, which ordered the burning of books deemed by the White House to be inappropriate for the public, Oxford University Press decided to publish a fireproof version of Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451.
Written by an avid library-goer who never went to college, the classic novel recounts the tale of a dystopian future in which all books are banned in the name of keeping people safe and happy.
Trump signed the Executive Order in response to a recent spate of disillusioned Americans who wanted to restore stability to a country torn by violent sociopolitical disagreements.
He said, “Coloured people don’t like Little Black Sambo. Burn it. White people don’t feel good about Uncle Tom’s Cabin. Burn it. Someone’s written a book on tobacco and cancer of the lungs? The cigarette people are weeping? Burn the book.”
The president’s plan backfired. Citing their right to assemble peaceably under the First Amendment, thousands of people from across the nation staged protests against the Executive Order. Riots broke out in major cities. Twelve people reportedly died in Portland as a result of the civil unrest, and hundreds of protesters and riot police are in critical condition.
Not long after the riots broke out, universities in the English-speaking world developed the first-ever fireproof edition of Fahrenheit 451, which some government officials are calling “treacherous and morally repugnant.”
Attorney General Jeff Sessions stated in a press briefing, “The First Amendment guarantees us the right to assemble peaceably. What they do not give us is the right to assemble when people’s safety is at stake. Books contain conflicting, confusing, and controversial ideas that often threaten national security. To assemble in any way, shape or form for the purpose of promoting or condoning the dissemination of books that have not been federally approved is wrong. Period.
“Fahrenheit 351 [sic] is the epitome of everything that is treacherous and morally repugnant. It is unfortunate that America’s youth are being corrupted by the ramblings of a dead madman who didn’t even go to college.
“It is even more concerning that the left and their cabal of book-reading lunatics are terrorizing the nation with these so-called peaceful protests, that they are immortalizing a dangerous book that is on a par with Mein Kampf and ISIS propaganda.”
As of this morning, firemen have been deployed in all major cities in America to burn books. Destroyed literature ranges from Dr. Seussto Plato.
After making the new edition of Fahrenheit 451 available to the public, Oxford University Press will release fireproof editions of George Orwell’s 1984, Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World, John Stuart Mill’s On Liberty, and the United States Constitution.
Trump’s book, The Art of the Deal, is not on the lengthy list of books deemed inappropriate by the White House.
At a bipartisan dinner at the Hell’s Kitchen restaurant, U.S. Senators applauded Chef Ramsay’s decision to continue the use of fillet-busters.
Fillet-bustering is a culinary procedure whereby debate over a proposed piece of boneless meat or fish is extended, obstructing progress in a cooking facility.* The practice is commonly employed in Chef Ramsay’s kitchen, where contestants purposefully prolong heated arguments about the best ways to serve such dishes as filet mignon in order to prevent an unpalatable dish from being served to a hungry senator.
According to Ramsay, fillet-busters are useful for multiple reasons. “If a senator orders lobster and some idiot in the kitchen somehow cooks crab instead, then we should fish fillet-buster, and if the cooks mess up a plate of beef, then we steak fillet-buster,” he told Beagle reporters. “Otherwise, that disgusting failure of a dish will pass. And then those senators are gonna get the bill.”
The culinary and senatorial practice is not without its critics, however. Master chefs at the Culinary Institute of Senatorial Dishes in Los Angeles argue that fillet-bustering is neither sanctioned nor encouraged anywhere in the International Chef’s Constitution, which enumerates the fundamental laws of cooking that apply in any truly democratic kitchen.
In response to the critics, Ramsay explained that fillet-bustering foes are “useless and should get the fuck out of my kitchen.”
*”Fillet-bustering” should not be confused with the etymologically distinct “fillet-blustering,” which refers to the practice, established by celebrity chef Ramsay, of screaming belligerently at an incompetent cook, often with little effect. See Figure 1.
WASHINGTON—President Clown Donald McDonald, who last year promised to make “America fat again,” sent troops to seize food from foreign countries that the United States deems to be a threat to its status as one of the most obese nations in the world.
More than 3,000 troops were deployed on Wednesday to Kiribati, the Marshall Islands, and the Cook Islands, each of which boasts an obesity rate that surpasses that of the United States.
“We don’t know what the hell’s going on in these countries and we haven’t even heard of those guys until now, but we know that if they’re fatter than us, then that’s very, very bad,” McDonald tweeted this morning.
The President Clown has tweeted twelve more times in the past few hours. His second tweet, sent just five minutes after the previous, was considered by much of the international community as xenophobic and, ironically, cacomorphobic (fear of fat people). He wrote, “When Kiribati people eat, they’re getting fatter than us, and those people peddle drugs and commit crimes. They’re rapists. Fat rapists. And some, I assume, are good, fat people.”
No sooner had the President Clown tweeted a second time than he once again tweeted: “Fat foreigners are not my enemy. They are the enemy of the American obese. Bad (or sick!) fatlanders!”
The President Clown tweeted, moments later, “Americans must show the world that we are and will remain a globular superpower!”
In the ensuing hours, Senator John McCain repeatedly railed against the President Clown’s unexpected outburst, calling him a “horizontally and politically challenged disgrace to the American people.” He added, “Donald is a fat hypocrite. He condemns foreigners as fat, yet he himself is an obese bully who uses diabetes, high blood pressure, cancer, and other McDonald weapons on his own people.”
Political experts told Americans not to pay attention to the President Clown’s tweets, saying that it is the President Clown’s way of distracting Americans from more pressing problems. Saul Goodman, a professor of political science at George Washington University, said that “the President Clown is hurting millions of innocent people living on these island nations and Americans are focusing on those goddamn tweets. What’s the most pressing problems? Frankly, I have no idea. But those tweets are not one of them.”
Meanwhile, an Asian man was falsely accused of smuggling weapons of MacDestruction onto a United Airlines flight headed for the Cook Islands, and airport security was filmed manhandling the man and throwing him out the plane.
Also, Russia is angry at McDonald for invading the island nations.
EAST LANSING, MI—When Michigan State University’s mascot Sparty propositioned Helen on Wednesday, she rebuffed his advances, saying that they can’t do it if they don’t have protection. Relations between the two nation states have deteriorated, with the Trojans offering love and free condoms in their attempt to appease the Spartans.
Having had no luck with the cheerleaders at MSU, the school’s mascot Sparty voyaged to Greece in search of love. He found Helen on Tinder. “The two of us decided to drink some ouzo under an olive tree, and then we immediately hit it off. But then she wouldn’t jump into bed with me because I had no protection.”
Sparty, an influential figure in Sparta, informed Spartan authorities of Helen’s rejection, with which the nation state took offense. King Menelaus recently denounced Troy’s behavior in a press briefing, demanding that King Priam either make a public apology to the Spartan people or go to war.
“We want no bloodshed,” said Menelaus. “But if the Trojans are going to misbehave, we’ll show them who wears the pants.”
In response to this threat, Troy has been offering free condoms as a gesture of goodwill, advising both sides to make love, not war.